nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
