ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
no you cant smoke seaweed
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
