Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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