Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
