Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
