I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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