one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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