I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize