did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
