I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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