i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
