When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
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I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
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His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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