I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
