i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
