I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
