I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
