I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
