they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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