sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
