at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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