I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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