Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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