Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
