My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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