I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
