Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
