Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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