quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
