Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My ass is underappreciated
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
