I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
