He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out