Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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