I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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