I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
