Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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