OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
