i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
