My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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