In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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