I just cut my nipple shaving
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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