I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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