She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
