I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
