Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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