you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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