I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
