On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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