I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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