so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
