I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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