Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
