News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The best revenge is premature balding
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
