help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
