We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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