if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
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I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize