I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
