yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
