dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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