I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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