If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Randomize
