I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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