I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
